The Long Goodbye

I have been wanting to write this post for a while now. It has taken me some time to get my composure back after the death of my beloved sister, Candy. This is our goodbye to each other.

Just about a year ago, Candy called me to remind me she would be on vacation for about 3 weeks. Craig, Candy and Tyler would be headed to one of their favorite places to go, Kalaloch. Somewhere in Washington. She told me she had not been feeling well and had been taking Tylenol every day. She had just gone to an Instacare because she suspected a bladder infection or something like that. It was neither, and the person at the Instacare told her to come back if it didn't get better. Candy had wanted to go see her own doctor but she wasn't available until after Candy got back from vacation. Candy is one to never let anything slow her down and by taking Tylenol she felt good enough to enjoy her vacation.

When she got back she was able to get in to see her own doctor. They weren't sure what they were dealing with and suspected that it might be diverticulitis. After the phone call, I kept hoping it wasn't diverticulitis. I had a neighbor that has this deadly disease and she really suffers sometimes and I couldn't stand the thought of Candy having to suffer like that.

It wasn't long after that, that Candy called and said that her doctor wanted her to go see a GYN Oncologist. They were starting to suspect that it might be a cancer of some kind, uterine, ovarian, etc. I was shocked speechless. "No, no, not that, not that," was my one thought. I did not want my sister to have that. I already knew about that cancer. I watched my mother-in-law die from that cancer. I watched my dear friend die from that cancer. I prayed that there would be a mistake and it would be something else, even diverticulitis.

Candy was scheduled for surgery on September 10, 2010. I was so far away from her. I am half a world away in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. What I didn't understand and probably didn't want to understand is that there probably was never a doubt about her cancer. I just thought that her surgery was just to find out what she had. It was extensive and confirmed my worst fears, and that was she had ovarian cancer and it was at stage 3-c. I am not going to get technical about it. Those things just don't come to my mind very well. It was bad, very bad.

Oh the beauty of the internet. It will tell you everything, explain everything. You cannot have any delusions. This cancer has a terrible cure rate. She might have only two years, maybe more. There are always those who beat it. I, of course, wanted Candy to be one of those.

Let's stop a minute and give me a chance to tell you something about this sister of mine. She is special. She has always been special. We have a high-strung family. We are noisy and volatile. Candy was the peacemaker in our family. She calmed us down. I was a fighter and protector of the kids. Candy kept me from losing control. Because of Candy we grew up loving and caring for each other. Friends not enemies. She loved us all, all the time.

Candy and I were close. We were born only 13 months apart. We always stayed in the same bedroom. We slept together many nights in the same bed. We even stayed together in our own house. It was a guest cottage off the main house, and Candy and I got to stay there through our highschool years. We stayed in the same room, until Mom fixed up the living room for Candy to have her own bedroom. I was upset by that. I just couldn't imagine sleeping in another room from Candy. We were still so close to each other that we could call out to each other. I managed to be able to handle that.

We shared our birthdays even when they were a month apart. We double dated and we did so many other things together. We did have our own friends and our own lives but still so much of what we did was together. I loved her and loved being with her.

I was so proud of her and her accomplishments. I never resented her. I was never jealous of her and I could have been. She was so pretty. Probably just the most beautiful person that I knew. She was so smart. I remember one time when I was at swiming practice and she had come from Fairmont to Sanger High School for a track meet. She came over to the pool to see me in her cute green track and field outfit. The guys that I had thought were just the coolest in my Freshman class, saw her. After she left, they came over to me (boy was I thrilled) and wanted to know who that cute girl was. I was so proud to tell them that the cute girl was my sister, Candy.

So Candy, my wonderful sister, Candy was a living doll. She was sweet, smart, beautiful; and I loved her with all my heart.

After her surgery, we now knew what we faced. She would have a few weeks of recovery and then she would start chemo therapy. Well our whole family got in gear for this long fight. I was able to come be with her her first week out of the hospital. I still remember walking into her house after my long trip to Houston. She was sitting on the couch and I put all my stuff down and just went over and put my arms around her and we both just cried.

I loved caring for her. She got better every day. She would get up and walk around every day. I would make her a tiny little breakfast, and a tiny little lunch. For dinners, she ate a tiny little bit. She spent most of her day in bed. Craig had just gotten her a new blue-ray TV that he hung on the wall. It was wonderful. We watched some DVD movies and lots of home improvement and cooking shows on TV. It was fun.

When I came I brought her a heart necklace so that she would know how much I loved her each time she wore it. I also brought her a memory box with some cute little items inside it. I wanted her to to remember our shared memories and know that I wanted her life to be bright and beautiful.

As I was there, my other sisters started to come. Tami first, then Vicki. Tami was the whirlwind. Boy can that girl work. I cleaned and cooked and did laundry. She and Vicki did the deep cleaning and Tami also worked in the yard. Penny seemed to get things organized so that Candy would never have one single chemo therapy treatment without one of us being there.

I could only stay a week, but knew that Candy would be well taken care of by my other wonderful sisters.

I was lucky enough to be able to add an extra week to my R&R to visit Candy again and be with her during one of her chemotherapy sessions. I couldn't believe it when she actually came and picked me up at the airport. She had some of her energy back. I drove her to her doctor's appointments, and chemo treatments spending the day with her. I helped pick up Tyler, always one of Candy's main concerns. We drove around to a few of his prospective High Schools dropping off his grades and request to be considered for attendance the next year. We were busy as usual. Keeping up with Candy even in her slower state is daunting. We even got a chance to go out to lunch and a movie. I helped her put all of her Thanksgiving stuff away and we decorated for Christmas. Again I had to say goodbye, but this time wasn't so hard because she was getting so much better. The future looked bright and the next time I saw her would be in my part of the world.

She was very careful with herself and contact with others. She had gotten really sick with flues and colds during her first treatments because of her diminished capacity to fight off these illnesses. So she had to stay away from people. I know that had to be hard on her, because she genuinely loved people. She loved to help them and serve them, but soon everything would be back to normal.

I was thrilled with her prognosis and her continued improvements in health. I had no doubt that Candy would be one of those who beat this cancer. She was in such good health. She always laughed as she said, "except for cancer she was in great health." And she was. She had kept her weight in check through the years. She didn't have high blood pressure or high cholesterol or anything of that kind. She still played volleyball and basketball at Church and tried to walk every day. She had the best attitude. She loved life and had too many things she still wanted to accomplish. I just knew that she would beat this.

We started to look towards the future. She and Craig had wanted to take a trip around the world and Malaysia was on the docket. We planned to spend about a week in Australia and then they would come to KL to visit my home and spend a few days here. I put it on my calendar and put in leave slips with my boss.

She had one more treatment and then freedom, glorious freedom. She would have to have a scan, but that was just a precaution. Her numbers indicating cancer had been below the cancer range for months now. She was getting ready to go to Utah to be with my Dad for his 90th birthday and just before she left she found out that the scan showed a few little marks. It could be an indication the cancer was back or it could just be scar tissue. The doctor wanted her to have three more chemo treatments just to be absolutely sure. This was normal, nothing really to worry about. All Candy wanted was it to be over with so she could go into remission and get on with her life. We were not worried, yet!

She had the second treatment and then her cancer numbers started to rise. Not by much and still well below any indication of her cancer being back, but it gave me a chill nonetheless. I was not new to this. I had already been through this as mentioned above with my mother-in-law and a good friend. I was scared but didn't want to even think that Candy might not survive this. It was ridiculous. Candy worked too hard at being well, she was too good for the Lord not to grant her wish to live.

The thing is that we prayed for her, we all prayed for her through every single aspect of this disease. We fasted and fasted for her recovery. Candy was needed here. She had a little boy that needed her. Her other children needed her. She was a major influence in her grandchildren's lives. She also had a husband she adored and who needed her. There just would be no substitute for her. SHE WAS NEEDED HERE!!! Friends, neighbors and family all depended on her. She was a remarkable force for good. We prayed and pled with the Lord. He would have no doubt as to our love and need of Candy. Our faith was strong, but ...what was the Lord's will?

Candy was finished with her treatments. Yay, what we had all been looking forward to. Now another blood test and scan to see if she was in remission.

NO, it did not work. Her numbers were going up. The scanned showed that cancer was back and probably had never really completely left. She had built up a tolerance to the chemo she had been taking but there were other treatments. Clinical trials that were proving to be very promising. She was a prime candidate for one of the best clinical trials and she was accepted. She wanted to get rid of the PIC lines in her arm. This had been a major ordeal for her during all of her treatments. It had kept her from being in the pool with her grandkids and she had not liked that. She was going to go into for a small surgery to remove her PIC lines and put a port in her chest to get her ready for clinical trials. She was excited. This would free her to be able to be more active. To have a more normal life.

The Beginning of the End.

The insertion of the port did not go well. It hurt and they had to move it to the other side because the first one did not work. Candy didn't care because it was in. She was anxious to get home to walk in a 5K "Run for a cure of Ovarian Cancer. It meant a lot to her to be part of this. She had been planning to walk in it for quite a while and many of her friends and family would be there to walk/run with her. She did not feel good. In fact, she felt lousy but nothing would stop her from walking, and walk she did. The whole way. The next day she went to the emergency room, and they discovered that her lung had collapsed. Her lung and been nicked during the insertion of her port, and she had walked with her lung collapsed. They inflated her lung, causing excruiating pain, but now it was over and all she wanted was to get well to start her clinical trial.

While her lung was being reinflated they had given Candy some antibiotics. The problem with that is she would not be able to start her clinical trial for at least 11 days after the stop of antibiotics. She was removed from that clinical trial, but not-to-worry because there was another good clinical trial that she could start. The next Sunday she had to go back into the hospital with a bowel obstruction. A nurse not realizing that she wasn't supposed to be given any antibiotics gave her a dose and now another 11 days had to pass before she could start the next clinical trial.

I talked to her almost every day. I was starting to feel anxious. I was calling my sisters, Penny and Tami, wanting to know if I needed to come to Houston. I had planned to go and be with Candy in July. When Candy and Craig had to cancel their around the world trip, I decided that if Candy couldn't come to me, I would go to her. I started to think and feel that I couldn't hesitate. One night when I was almost out of my mind with anxiety about Candy, I finally knelt down and prayed. I asked one simple question, do I need to leave to be with Candy. The next morning a dear friend of mine had posted on facebook a quote from President Thomas S. Monsen, to never put off until tomorrow what you should do today. Well, I took that for my answer. My dear sweet husband worked all day long in getting me a ticket. I finished up some work at the office, made plans for my Primary class and that Friday, May 27, 2011, I got on a plane to be with Candy. Even though the trip was long and tedious my anxiety started to melt away the closer I got to her. As I got off the plane, all I wanted was to be with her. Her sweet daughter, Amber, picked me up and took me right to the hospital. When I walked into her room, I threw my arms around her. I was with her again.

Candy was scheduled for surgery the coming Tuesday. She still had a bowel obstruction and they needed to take care of this problem before they could get her into another clinical trial. We visited her every day in the hospital. Here surgery was scheduled for Tuesday. We were at her house as Craig wanted to be the only one with Candy. It was going to be a 5 to 6 hour surgery. He would send us updates during the day so we were all camped by the phone just waiting for news. Her surgery was delayed for a few anxious hours but she was finally rolled into the operating room. Now the long wait. We were watching a movie when two hours into the surgery one of the grandkids (I think) came running in to us and said that Carrie was on the phone with Craig and that she was crying and that Tyler was crying also. We all ran to Carrie and she handed the phone to Penny then me and then the rest of us. Craig wanted to talk to each of us individually to explain that when they opened Candy up during surgery they discovered that she was riddled with tumors and that there was nothing they could do. They were able to put in a G-tube to make her more comfortable but it would not be life-sustaining and all hope was gone. Gone. Hope was gone. There would be no more clinical trials. I held onto Carrie as we cried, our hearts broken. Then I went to look for Tyler. I put my arms around him and we too cried together. They would send Candy home to recover from the surgery in a few days and then all we would be able to do was to love her and make her as comfortable as we possibly could.

That first night, just hours after surgery, Craig called us to come to the hospital. Candy wanted to see us. We rushed down to see her. We all cried together. The one clear thing I remember was, Candy being so calm about the prognosis. She made it clear that she understood that her time of life would be limited. The one thing she asked that still amazes me is, she wondered if we had done something fun that day. She hoped we didn't just stay by the phone waiting for news of her surgery. Ah, now I understood. That is why Craig was the only one who was with her at the hospital for the surgery. She had expected us to go have fun. All my sisters were there because they had planned a sister's retreat. I had not planned to be there because I was going to come in July, but now I was there also. She had wanted us to have some fun even if she couldn't be a part of it. We just looked at her and said, "no, we just waited by the phone." We would not have wanted to do anything else. Candy didn't understand, we didn't want to have fun without her, especially while her life hung in the balance.

I told Candy I would stay with her each night she was in the hospital. The first night I wasn't prepared, so I slept in her bathrobe. After the first night, I packed a bag for my sleep overs. This time in the hospital was a very tender and special time. Each night Candy would call me to help her out of bed to use the bathroom. I would slowly help her get up and move to the bathroom. She was so weak. I would rest her head on my chest while we were in there. I would softly rub her back and we would talk. I remember just expressing my great love for her and, she, her love for me. All night long I was in tune to her every move so that I could quickly get up to get her water or whatever else she needed. I would leave in the mornings as my other sisters came to be with Candy. Then back to the hospital for another night. I would never have left her side if she had needed me but she had so many who loved and cared for her. We always were mindful of letting Craig have his moments with her. She was remarkable. Her recovery was moving along so quickly. Candy worked at recovery because she knew her time was limited and she had things to do.

After she came home from the hospital, everyone left except for Tami and me. We began a beautiful dance of care, service and love to Candy and her family. I got up early and prepared breakfast, started the laundry and kept the kitchen clean. I helped Candy shower and get ready for the day. Tami would get up later and sweep, mop and vacuum the floors and do a lot of deep cleaning. She spent a lot of time in the yard watering Candy's garden and special flowers. We sat for hours by Candy's bed rubbing her back and her legs. During this time, we talked and laughed and enjoyed being with her. We talked of her death and what to expect. She was very matter-of-fact about it. She did not delude herself but she also wanted to live each day. As Candy's strength started to return there were many items on a list that she had made in the hospital of things she wanted to accomplish before the Lord took her. She didn't know how much time or how much energy she would have to do those things so we started them immediately. We organized the garage and her back room, we organized her kitchen. We helped her to prepare her talk for granddaughter Hailey's baptism. She wanted to go to the Temple and we prepared for that. She wanted to write letters to her husband and children. She wanted to finish baby blankets for Carrie and Tyler so their children would have something from her. As far as I know, she accomplished every single thing on her list. She wrote her thoughts into a little book. I saw her write in that book every day. I hope some day I will be able to read that book.

My sweet brother, Tab, came to be with Candy. I was so glad to see him and have him there. I realized at this time that my love for my siblings is strong and forever. Each one is so precious. Each adds something special to my life.

During this three-week period, I forged another wonderful bond with my sister Tami. Every day she just amazed me. Her sweet spirit, her ability to work hard, her insights into Candy's life and her imminent death. She was so in tune to the spirit. It seemed like every night after Candy had gone to bed we would sit on her bed or mine and just talk together as we tried to come to terms with what was happening. One night I was so overcome with grief and had no where to go to be alone with it. Her bedroom was empty and I just let it all out. I could not stop crying. I had only been in there a few minutes when Tami walked in. I looked up and told her I needed to be alone and then just put my face in my arms and continued to cry. Instead of leaving me to my lonely grief she came in and rubbed my back and softly talked to me. Finally, I was able to curb my emotions enough to be able to talk with her. She said she didn't want me to bottle up my emotions and wanted me to share them with her. I will love her so much for her care of me as well as Candy. I feel that we were going through the refiner's fire together.

I was overwhelmed by the love and generosity of Candy's neighbors and friends. She was so loved. We had meals brought in and all Craig had to do was say he liked something and several people would bring his request over. Expecially soft chocolate chip cookies. These wonderful people brought me much comfort also. They were so thoughtful and kind to me and the rest of Candy's family.

I loved being around Candy's family. Her children, grandchildren and especially Craig. I could feel his love for Candy. His loving care of her. I hope to always be a part of their lives. I am so grateful for the ease of communication that we have today. Candy and Craig gave me a wonderful present. They gave me an iPad-2. I know that Candy hoped that we could communicate face to face using the iPad-2. Sadly, this was never to be, but I have loved using it to talk to her children and see everything that Jamie has been doing to care for Craig and Tyler.

I was only with Candy for three weeks. I told her every day of my love for her. How proud I was to be her sister. My wonderful husband had told me that if I wanted to stay that he would work out all the details, but I had this feeling that I needed to go home. I knew that she would be not only in good hands, but the very best of hands with her children, Tami, and especially her husband Craig. I knew my time with her had come to an end. I knew the Lord had blessed me to be with Candy during the time she needed me, and I needed to be with her. Nothing was left unsaid.

I left to fly back home on June 17th. That last day was like any other. I started laundry, I helped Candy, I cleaned the house. I took a moment to lay by her side as she slept. As the time neared to leave, I knew that I would need help. I asked Craig to give me a blessing that I would be able to leave my sister for the last time, that the Lord would be with me and comfort me. I was all packed and ready to go. I had asked Candy if I could take back the necklace I had given her at my first trip to care for her. I wanted to wear it close to my heart to feel her love always. I was wearing it that last day. Family and friends had been over all day and I had never really had time just to be with her. Thirty minutes before I had to leave, she and I just sat on the couch and held each other. I kissed her cheek over and over again and just said, "I love you, I love you" over and over and over. I just c0uld not touch her enough, or feel her soft, warm hands enough. I walked out the door, knowing the next time I walked back in she would no longer be there. I knew as I left that Candy's time was short. I knew that she only had a week or so left. I knew it was short, very short.

Candy was able to go to the Temple on Saturday, June 18th. That had been on her list. I had hoped that I would be able to go with her while I was there, but her decline had been happening quickly and I did not think she would accomplish this item on her list. How could I ever have doubted Candy and especially her husband, who made it possible. It was extremly difficult for her, but she was able to go and do the sealings she had wanted to do. The next day she had been in bed all day. As she tried to get up to get ready to go Hailey's baptism, Tami found her sitting on the bed with her head in her hands. She was sick and so weak. Tami helped her get dressed and helped her get into her wheelchair. She was able to give her talk at Hailey's baptism by staying in her wheelchair. She was at a level where she could look right into Hailey's eyes as she gave her sweet talk.

She was finished. She had accomplished all she had set out to do on the list that she had made just three weeks before in the hospital. She had assumed that she would have at least two to three months to complete it. Thank goodness she has never been a procrastinator. She did in three weeks what anyone else, if they were even able to accomplish what she did, would have taken much longer. Candy was a fighter and she loved life. She did not want to go. She did not want to leave her family, but she bent her will to her Father's will as she did in all things. She may have not wanted to go, but she was ready. She was always ready.

On June 29th, Candy slipped from this life to the next. Her loving family surrounded her as she left, just as I am sure her loving family who had passed on before her welcomed her home.

It had been approximately ten months from her diagnosis. I am glad that we did not know how short our time was going to be. I flew over 30 hours from Malaysia three times to be with her and then a fourth time to say my final goodbye. I titled this the long goodbye, but really it was short, much too short.

I may not have gotten every detail correct, but I knew my memories of some facets of this incredible ordeal were growing dim and I needed to get this written down. This is my story. I am sure that my siblings and Candy's husband, children and grandchildren each have their own tender story.

Goodbye, my loving and faithful sister. Your life made mine better in every way. I will love you forever and look forward to the time we can again embrace each other and whisper our love for each other again. You have met the test and you were wonderful. I am so proud that you were my sister. I was truly blessed. Goodbye for now.